i just wanted to write what i wanted, what i choose. and not have to worry about if it is “real”, or correct. i guess it has to do with my problems concerning legitimate actions. as in the sense of, does this count? the words that i write here. they are what i am. and what i wanted. they are not just wastes of time. they are what i needed to say. or i would not have said them. but still. what of it is the point? the point of the writing. the means to the end. the process. whatever.